Dear you.

Dear you,

Thank you for believing that you ought to make your rules, choose your experiences, define your comfort zones, and pick your indulgences wisely, including company. For cherishing the similarities in these choices in another's company and for helping yourself to new thoughts, attitudes, and creating new experiences together. Believing that in true companionship, you trust another, and your choice in another, to open yourself up to newness and to growth. Knowing that trust, newness and growth ought to be mutual. That there are things you do together - you share, you learn some and you unlearn some; and there are others you must do on your own - on your own terms. And, for not being afraid to make that choice. And, thank you, for this life of  no regrets that started on the right side of that choice!

Much love,
me.

'I am not a concept.'

The movie was mediocre. The underlying concept- of an artist's view of his world and his muse in 'A Frozen Second', both the idea of freezing time at your will and unravelling a person's being in that frozen second - was intriguing. Was it a violation of their privacy?, the protagonist wondered, and I did too. Unlike when you sit down for a portrait, your physical and emotional being at that moment being a deliberated attempt at what you choose to freeze in time, the frozen second catches you in an unguarded and a possibly private moment.

The relationship between an artist and the muse has always fascinated me. For the artist to seek meaning and beauty in something with its own temperament, one that may be complimenting or contrasting to the artist's own, yet continually inspiring and challenging; and for the muse to let another perceive the reflections of one's unguarded thoughts and vulnerabilities, and allow it form - I believe there is immense trust (and often a shared passion) in such a synergy. How does one find it, or grow it, I have wondered many times.

I reckon it is in many ways similar to love. Unless you are willing to give a part of you, you do not find the other part.

"I am not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." 
- Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

That is oftentimes my state of mind. And, I think I am my own concept.

But every once in a while, may be you do want someone to see you. Whether you choose to create the painting or be the painting, you want to put a part of yourself out in the world.

"I wanted to be the muse, I wanted to be the wife of the artist, but I was really trying to avoid the final issue- that I had to do the job myself.” 
- Anaïs Nin

Peonies & poh-uh-see, ah so passé!

(Delusions of a twenty-something-naiveté-not-anymore!)

Trust, I do.

Trust was

When love taught me

To lose my defenses

And give in to the moment.

Trust was

When silences abound

My aching heart with calm

Studied your beseeching eyes.

Trust was

When death didn’t scare

As we chased the wind

Navigating trails unknown.

Trust was

When fast asleep

As strangers the bodies apart

Our souls in love making sweat.

Trust was

When our throats parched

Tears hidden and smiles con

For time infinite we kissed good bye.

Trust is

When days of solitude I fight

With your memories unbound

To be just a day nearer to you.

True vs. I believe

It takes years to build trust and a few moments of folly to break it, they say. But life leads me to believe otherwise. There are situations in life when you trust somebody because your heart wants to. As easily as we indulge in impulsive buying, we often make the dart into placing our faith on people. Sometimes we do not trust what is true, but what we want to believe is true. Often judgement and bias become the basis of analysing what is true versus what I believe is true. The same judgement takes over in retaining your faith on what you believe to be true even when circumstances indicate otherwise. But does this assure an absence of doubt? Not always. The situations that crop up to challenge your faith may lose the battle to your will to retain your faith, but it nevertheless leaves traces of doubt. Doubts on your better judgement. Doubts about your faith. And doubts about everything you believed to be true.